First I'm going to explain what the Ferber method is, and why its used for any that don't know.
The
Ferber method is a system for getting babies who have trouble sleeping,
to go to sleep. In this mans book he encourages using this method for
babies as young as 3 months, which I find quite distasteful at best. So
here is how it works.
You put your baby to bed awake (as he
stated in his book, they must be awake for it to work). Now if the baby
starts crying, you are to sooth them only by patting them on the tummy
or stroking their head. You are not to pick them up, or talk to them,
and as soon as they are quiet you are to leave the room.
If the baby
starts to cry again, you wait longer then the first time to go in and,
without talking, dimply pat them get them calm, and leave again. So the
method goes, each time your child cries, you are to leave them for
longer and longer before trying to calm them.
That;s basically it
in a nutshell. By the way, the above method was started by a man, who
after all of my research apparently doesn't even have children of his
own. Something to think about.
I can't imagine how many little
ones have been alone, screaming for their mommy, with no answer. I just
don't understand why women pick up these nonsense fads and actually use
them on their children.
The above method in my eyes is utter
rubbish. Common sense tells me without even researching this, that it is
a horrible way to show your child you are there for them, will probably
destroy basic trust in you, and leave an infant feeling alone,
helpless, unwanted, and unloved. You can't train a baby to sleep, they
are either tired, or they aren't, its that simple.
By using this
method though, you can assure yourself a good nights sleep as your child
will be so exhausted from crying, they will finally give up and go to
sleep.
So lets check out some research on this method, also called Crying it Out, shall we?
Everyone
of the studies below has a bit to say on the Ferber method, even though
none of them were ON the Ferber method. Ferber's method leads to
excessive crying, depression, attachment disorders, stress, anxiety, and
can actually LEAD to more sleep issues. The studies show that the above
mentioned has a huge impact on IQ, development, can lead to trust and
behavior issues later in life, and can almost destroy the mother child
bond that isn't even fully developed yet.
This
horrible method, that goes against everything my parenting has ever
stood for, will never slime its evil, uncaring, way into my home, and I
truly hope that any parents thinking to use this, reconsider.
Just
pick that tiny, helpless, scared little being up and love it with
everything you have. That's what baby wants and needs from you, as mommy
and daddy.
THE STUDIES, simply copy / paste them into your browser, they pop right up as archived research.
M R Rao, et al; Long Term Cognitive Development in Children with Prolonged Crying, National Institutes of Health, Archives of Disease in Childhood 2004; 89:989-992.
J pediatrics 1988 Brazy, J E. Mar 112 (3): 457-61. Duke University
Ludington-Hoe SM, Case Western U, Neonatal Network 2002 Mar; 21(2): 29-36
Schore, A.N. (1996), “The Experience-Dependent Maturation of a Regulatory System in the Orbital Prefrontal Cortex and the Origen of Developmental Psychopathology,” Development and Psychopathology 8: 59 – 87.
Karr-Morse, R, Wiley, M. Interview With Dr. Allan Schore, Ghosts From the Nursery, 1997, pg 200.
Kuhn, C M, et al. Selective Depression of Serum Growth Hormone During
Maternal Deprivation in Rat Pups. Science 1978, 201:1035-1036.
Hollenbeck, A R, et al. Children with Serious Illness: Behavioral Correlates of Separation and Solution. Child Psychiatry and Human Development 1980, 11:3-11.
Rosenblum and Moltz,
The Mother-Infant Interaction as a Regulator of Infant Physiology and
Behavior. In Symbiosis in Parent-Offspring Interactions, New York:
Plenum, 1983.
Hofer, M and H. Shair, Control of Sleep-Wake States in the Infant Rat by Features of the Mother-Infant Relationship. Developmental Psychobiology, 1982, 15:229-243.
Wolke, D, et al, Persistent Infant Crying and Hyperactivity Problems in Middle Childhood, Pediatrics, 2002; 109:1054-1060.
Stifter and Spinrad, The Effect of Excessive Crying on the Development of Emotion Regulation, Infancy, 2002; 3(2), 133-152.
Ahnert L, et al,
Transition to Child Care: Associations with Infant-mother Attachment,
Infant Negative Emotion, and Cortisol Elevations, Child Development,
2004, May-June; 75(3):649-650.
Kaufman J, Charney D.
Effects of Early Stress on Brain Structure and Function: Implications
for Understanding the Relationship Between Child Maltreatment and
Depression, Developmental Psychopathology, 2001 Summer; 13(3):451-471.
Teicher MH et al, The Neurobiological Consequences of Early Stress and Childhood Maltreatment, Neuroscience Biobehavior Review 2003, Jan-Mar; 27(1-2):33-44.
Leiberman, A. F., & Zeanah, H., Disorders of Attachment in Infancy, Infant Psychiatry 1995, 4:571-587.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Truest Form of Hope and Inspiration From a Man Who Couldn't Walk Across His Own Floor
Normally I write about children, and parenting issues, however one of my
parents sent this video to me through e-mail, and it inspired me to
write. I found it to be one the most inspiring things I have ever seen.
Its a wonderful testament to the idea that anything is possible if you
just put your mind to it.
The video shows one of our vets after the golf war. He is told he will never walk normally again, he becomes depressed and gains weight. He explains that he just gave up for awhile, until he found the one person willing to make a miracle a happen, its a beautiful story.
Sometimes I think there just isn't enough stories like these in the world. These days all you hear about are the bad things that happen daily, The TV news, and newspapers are full of the daily horrors, everything from murder, to the latest robberies. It just seems like the worst is what we as humans focus on now. Violence and hatred in movies, and TV. Death, destruction, hatred and anger all over news networks. It doesn't make for a very pleasant outlook on life.
I don't know about you, but I wish news would focus on the good that happens, the inspiring, the touching stories. I want to hear more about humanities good aspects, and all the wonderful things they have done daily, instead of what I get. Sometimes I think if we changed the way we are looking at the world, it would become the better place we hear about.
Anyway the video below is just wonderful, and shared with permission. I hope you enjoy and for a few short moments, see the world in s better light.
http://www.downvids.net/words-cannot-express-how-amazing-this-video-is-for-anyone-doubti-283253.html
The video shows one of our vets after the golf war. He is told he will never walk normally again, he becomes depressed and gains weight. He explains that he just gave up for awhile, until he found the one person willing to make a miracle a happen, its a beautiful story.
Sometimes I think there just isn't enough stories like these in the world. These days all you hear about are the bad things that happen daily, The TV news, and newspapers are full of the daily horrors, everything from murder, to the latest robberies. It just seems like the worst is what we as humans focus on now. Violence and hatred in movies, and TV. Death, destruction, hatred and anger all over news networks. It doesn't make for a very pleasant outlook on life.
I don't know about you, but I wish news would focus on the good that happens, the inspiring, the touching stories. I want to hear more about humanities good aspects, and all the wonderful things they have done daily, instead of what I get. Sometimes I think if we changed the way we are looking at the world, it would become the better place we hear about.
Anyway the video below is just wonderful, and shared with permission. I hope you enjoy and for a few short moments, see the world in s better light.
http://www.downvids.net/words-cannot-express-how-amazing-this-video-is-for-anyone-doubti-283253.html
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
What Spanking Really Teaches, From a Former Spanked Childs Point of View
I decided long before I had children that spanking wouldn't be a parenting option.
There are tons of articles out there claiming that spanking lowers IQ, creates low self esteem, leads to bad choices in life, and overall makes a not so well adjusted child.
I do agree with a lot of the above, but the biggest reason I decided not to spank was remembering what spanking made me think about, and do as a child.
Mt parents were spankers, not the abusive, beat you down style, just the spanking as a tool style. I can still remember vividly bunches of times I did something that was considered bad, and got a spanking. My parents tried to teach me not to lie, steal, or cheat, and to be a good person.
The problem is spanking didn't teach me anything about being a good person, it taught me to not get caught if I was going to lie, cheat or steal. The only thing I had to worry about if I did any of those things were my parents, and the punishment. It also confused me, as they were telling me hitting doesn't solve problems, and that I shouldn't hit others, they were hitting me.
They weren't creating a moral code in me, they were just hitting. It doesn't matter what words come out of your mouth if your spanking, your children will hear none of it. Children have a unique defensive mechanism that makes them shut off during spankings, I remember this too. I heard nothing while I was hit, I just remember wanting it to be over so I could go back to my room, and be left alone.
Another memory I have that is vivid, is the way I felt about my parents when this spanking would happen. Simply put, it made me not like them. I mean each time I got a spanking It made me love my parents a little less. No...I'm not kidding.
What I felt was angry, angry that someone who was supposed to love me was hitting me, angry that I felt like less then a person when it happened. As an adult I really have no feelings towards either of them now. I don't think I have spoken to either of them in around 10 years. Not because I hold anger and resentment now, no that's been gone for quite awhile, No the reason is that the parent child bond was killed long ago with the spanking and I just have nothing left for them,
This is just a psychological fact, if someone is hitting you, after awhile you just are not going to love them anymore. It might take a long time, maybe years as in the cases of verbally, and physically abused wives, but it will happen. That moment where you realize that you absolutely do not like, or have no feelings at all towards the person or people who hit you is inevitable. No one will continue loving an attacker, and that is essentially how I saw my parents for a long time after.
I have never told either of them this. In reality I see them as very flawed human beings who took the easy path to child rearing instead of actually trying to learn about their children.
When I had my first child at a very young age, she is the one who taught me morality. I knew I wanted a better way to do things..for her. God, the universe, a higher power, whatever you want to call it, sent her to me so I could learn a loving way to view the world. So I could re invent myself as a human being with love and understanding.
I would not be the same person if it weren't for each one my children and my husband, the true teachers of love, compassion, understanding, and morality.
I truly wish parents who favor spanking would re think the whole matter. Your children will never tell you this, but your teaching them nothing, and creating some very hard feelings that may play out as they become adults.
There are tons of articles out there claiming that spanking lowers IQ, creates low self esteem, leads to bad choices in life, and overall makes a not so well adjusted child.
I do agree with a lot of the above, but the biggest reason I decided not to spank was remembering what spanking made me think about, and do as a child.
Mt parents were spankers, not the abusive, beat you down style, just the spanking as a tool style. I can still remember vividly bunches of times I did something that was considered bad, and got a spanking. My parents tried to teach me not to lie, steal, or cheat, and to be a good person.
The problem is spanking didn't teach me anything about being a good person, it taught me to not get caught if I was going to lie, cheat or steal. The only thing I had to worry about if I did any of those things were my parents, and the punishment. It also confused me, as they were telling me hitting doesn't solve problems, and that I shouldn't hit others, they were hitting me.
They weren't creating a moral code in me, they were just hitting. It doesn't matter what words come out of your mouth if your spanking, your children will hear none of it. Children have a unique defensive mechanism that makes them shut off during spankings, I remember this too. I heard nothing while I was hit, I just remember wanting it to be over so I could go back to my room, and be left alone.
Another memory I have that is vivid, is the way I felt about my parents when this spanking would happen. Simply put, it made me not like them. I mean each time I got a spanking It made me love my parents a little less. No...I'm not kidding.
What I felt was angry, angry that someone who was supposed to love me was hitting me, angry that I felt like less then a person when it happened. As an adult I really have no feelings towards either of them now. I don't think I have spoken to either of them in around 10 years. Not because I hold anger and resentment now, no that's been gone for quite awhile, No the reason is that the parent child bond was killed long ago with the spanking and I just have nothing left for them,
This is just a psychological fact, if someone is hitting you, after awhile you just are not going to love them anymore. It might take a long time, maybe years as in the cases of verbally, and physically abused wives, but it will happen. That moment where you realize that you absolutely do not like, or have no feelings at all towards the person or people who hit you is inevitable. No one will continue loving an attacker, and that is essentially how I saw my parents for a long time after.
I have never told either of them this. In reality I see them as very flawed human beings who took the easy path to child rearing instead of actually trying to learn about their children.
When I had my first child at a very young age, she is the one who taught me morality. I knew I wanted a better way to do things..for her. God, the universe, a higher power, whatever you want to call it, sent her to me so I could learn a loving way to view the world. So I could re invent myself as a human being with love and understanding.
I would not be the same person if it weren't for each one my children and my husband, the true teachers of love, compassion, understanding, and morality.
I truly wish parents who favor spanking would re think the whole matter. Your children will never tell you this, but your teaching them nothing, and creating some very hard feelings that may play out as they become adults.
Monday, November 26, 2012
When Was The Last Time You Played Like Your Child?
Our society these days has become rushed, Parents spend a majority of
their time running around fetching this, running that errand, and
running, running, running.
It just never seems to stop. It has become so bad that in most homes even dinner time has become a sped through, gotta get it done, just to get it done task.
When was the last time you actually PLAYED with your child.
I don't mean making block towers, or pushing buttons on those electronic books and toys, I mean PLAYED. Full out, in character, imagination going full steam, played.
Not a lot of parents do this anymore, and I just don't understand why not. Active play is so important to a child, and parents joining in just makes their day
You can incorporate full on play into pretty much any situation even if your constantly busy. This is an example of an errand I had to run, and how I turned it into playtime.
Little man and I were invited to a birthday party this past weekend, which means going to pick out the birthday present for the birthday kid. My little guy was already playing pirate and I hate to interrupt good play, so I used this as a chance to get to play with him again today, and the birthday present hunt turned into a pirate treasure hunt.
After picking out the perfect pirate outfits, mommy and baby pirate went in search of the coveted pirate booty...the birthday present.
We found our prefect pirate ship conveniently parked tn our driveway, and after getting buckled into our pirate seats, off we went over the seven seas in search of our treasure.
Not long after setting sail, dodging a few other pirates, and avoiding a giant man eating jellyfish monster, we found an island that our hand drawn treasure map said was there.
Then came the really fun part, exploring the island we named toy store, and seeing if the treasure we were looking for was real. We snuck up and down aisles, peeked around corners, outran a scary troll, and finally found girl forest ( the aisle with the girl toys).
Little man had lots of fun, I had lots of fun, and the people in the store thought it was awesome. I really don't care what people think, but it is always a bit more fun when you can get a few to play along.
Its just a small example of what you can do to not only help your child's imagination grow, but add some fun to any errand or outing you have to do. Children thrive on their parents playing in their world.
Active play with your child can also be used as a teaching tool. Children learn much easier by playing then by memorizing facts from books.
The next time you have active play with your child, make it historical. Maybe instead of being a pirate you can be explorers named Magellan, or Christopher Columbus, or vikings from long ago.
You can pretend to be the wright brothers inventing the plane in your backyard. Or Thomas Edison, or Benjamin Franklin....the sky is the limit. You can pick anyone or anything from history and turn it into the best family time your little ones will remember forever,.
Your children will have fun, you will have fun, and everyone will learn something.
It just never seems to stop. It has become so bad that in most homes even dinner time has become a sped through, gotta get it done, just to get it done task.
When was the last time you actually PLAYED with your child.
I don't mean making block towers, or pushing buttons on those electronic books and toys, I mean PLAYED. Full out, in character, imagination going full steam, played.
Not a lot of parents do this anymore, and I just don't understand why not. Active play is so important to a child, and parents joining in just makes their day
You can incorporate full on play into pretty much any situation even if your constantly busy. This is an example of an errand I had to run, and how I turned it into playtime.
Little man and I were invited to a birthday party this past weekend, which means going to pick out the birthday present for the birthday kid. My little guy was already playing pirate and I hate to interrupt good play, so I used this as a chance to get to play with him again today, and the birthday present hunt turned into a pirate treasure hunt.
After picking out the perfect pirate outfits, mommy and baby pirate went in search of the coveted pirate booty...the birthday present.
We found our prefect pirate ship conveniently parked tn our driveway, and after getting buckled into our pirate seats, off we went over the seven seas in search of our treasure.
Not long after setting sail, dodging a few other pirates, and avoiding a giant man eating jellyfish monster, we found an island that our hand drawn treasure map said was there.
Then came the really fun part, exploring the island we named toy store, and seeing if the treasure we were looking for was real. We snuck up and down aisles, peeked around corners, outran a scary troll, and finally found girl forest ( the aisle with the girl toys).
Little man had lots of fun, I had lots of fun, and the people in the store thought it was awesome. I really don't care what people think, but it is always a bit more fun when you can get a few to play along.
Its just a small example of what you can do to not only help your child's imagination grow, but add some fun to any errand or outing you have to do. Children thrive on their parents playing in their world.
Active play with your child can also be used as a teaching tool. Children learn much easier by playing then by memorizing facts from books.
The next time you have active play with your child, make it historical. Maybe instead of being a pirate you can be explorers named Magellan, or Christopher Columbus, or vikings from long ago.
You can pretend to be the wright brothers inventing the plane in your backyard. Or Thomas Edison, or Benjamin Franklin....the sky is the limit. You can pick anyone or anything from history and turn it into the best family time your little ones will remember forever,.
Your children will have fun, you will have fun, and everyone will learn something.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
The Wild Road Runner Child, and how to fix it.
There was an episode of SuperNanny I watched not long ago that had advice about getting your children to walk with you, instead of streaking around, and possibly getting hit by a car.
There were 3 out of control children who would run off and not listen or walk properly with their mother. They would take off down the sidewalk, run into the street, out into parking lots...you get the idea. The children were ages were 4, 8 and 10.
SupperNannys fix for this?
Make a game map of the route to be walked, turn it into a game and let them spot land marks along the way.When they would spot a landmark they would get a sticker.as a reward. This would engage them in walking with the parents instead of taking off and running wild. While this sounds great in theory, It is utter nonsense in reality.
The so called fix taught the kids nothing, nothing about safety, nothing about respecting their parents, nothing about the reality of traffic, and traffic dangers. When the stickers run out, or mom doesn't have time to make a map the trouble will start all over again. If the game even lasts that long, if this is a route you walk everyday, the kids will get bored with it soon enough, and your right back to running wild.
So here is how you actually get your child to understand that walking with you, instead of running off, is the appropriate thing to do. At the same time they are learning the dangers of traffic, car awareness, and responsible walking habits.
I will start with how to incorporate it while they are young, thus avoiding running wild altogether, and move on to fixing the running off in older children.
My son was 2 when I first took him for a walk out of stroller. The first thing I did was to buy a tether, some people call them a child harness. I am an advocate of these as temporary learning tools for children. The child feels as if they are walking separately, yet you remain in control in case they do decide to just streak off. A child harness will not make them feel bad about themselves, or make them feel less then human.They come in cute designs, or characters, some with pockets for snacks or a small toy. My son is now 3 and every once in awhile still wants to wear his. I never used the harness as a punishment, so it has no bad connotations about it. It was just expected, if he didn't wear it he didn't go, that simple.
Starting with the first time you ever go for a walk child entow, explain everything the whole time your walking.
Talk about cars, how fast they go, how they can't see very small people easily. Talk about their weight, and how they stop. Explain what would happen if they ran into the road and a car couldn't stop.
Yes it does sound scary for a kid, but it is for us too. There isn't a person out there I know who isn't afraid of being hit by a car. Being scared of being run over is what keeps it from happening. It's a natural survival sense, and not abnormal. You want kids to learn this, because st young ages they have no fear of cars, so they have no fear of running into streets.
With my son I used * squished like a pancake* to get the point across. It didn't make him terrified of walks, but it did make him careful and wary of cars.
Let them help by pushing the cross buttons if you have them. Talk about the cross and don't cross signs and the difference between the two.
Before crossing point out left and right on the street and how to look for cars.
I also took time to explain about not darting straight out when the walk light comes up because some people like to run their red lights. My son takes a second now to make sure each car has stopped before he steps off the curb.
If you go over all of the walking and road safety as your walking its engaging them in learning. Most little ones learn best while doing, because most children are visual, hands on learners.
Keep this up. Do the same talks about safety, cars, and traffic every single time you walk, and in no time you will have a child that has learned why not to run wild on walks. It took one month for my guy to catch on.
This is the same method I use for older kids who run wild and never learned traffic safety. The exact same method. I don't care if they are 5, they go on harness. They definitely don't like it, but it works, and I would rather have an angry on harness 5 year old, then one who just got run over. I have never had this method fail. Normally the learning curve is 2 weeks for older kids.
Nothing beats a child that knows what not to do, and it makes for wonderful family walks.
My son is 3, off harness, and sometimes reminds me what not to do while walking, its a beautiful thing.
There were 3 out of control children who would run off and not listen or walk properly with their mother. They would take off down the sidewalk, run into the street, out into parking lots...you get the idea. The children were ages were 4, 8 and 10.
SupperNannys fix for this?
Make a game map of the route to be walked, turn it into a game and let them spot land marks along the way.When they would spot a landmark they would get a sticker.as a reward. This would engage them in walking with the parents instead of taking off and running wild. While this sounds great in theory, It is utter nonsense in reality.
The so called fix taught the kids nothing, nothing about safety, nothing about respecting their parents, nothing about the reality of traffic, and traffic dangers. When the stickers run out, or mom doesn't have time to make a map the trouble will start all over again. If the game even lasts that long, if this is a route you walk everyday, the kids will get bored with it soon enough, and your right back to running wild.
So here is how you actually get your child to understand that walking with you, instead of running off, is the appropriate thing to do. At the same time they are learning the dangers of traffic, car awareness, and responsible walking habits.
I will start with how to incorporate it while they are young, thus avoiding running wild altogether, and move on to fixing the running off in older children.
My son was 2 when I first took him for a walk out of stroller. The first thing I did was to buy a tether, some people call them a child harness. I am an advocate of these as temporary learning tools for children. The child feels as if they are walking separately, yet you remain in control in case they do decide to just streak off. A child harness will not make them feel bad about themselves, or make them feel less then human.They come in cute designs, or characters, some with pockets for snacks or a small toy. My son is now 3 and every once in awhile still wants to wear his. I never used the harness as a punishment, so it has no bad connotations about it. It was just expected, if he didn't wear it he didn't go, that simple.
Starting with the first time you ever go for a walk child entow, explain everything the whole time your walking.
Talk about cars, how fast they go, how they can't see very small people easily. Talk about their weight, and how they stop. Explain what would happen if they ran into the road and a car couldn't stop.
Yes it does sound scary for a kid, but it is for us too. There isn't a person out there I know who isn't afraid of being hit by a car. Being scared of being run over is what keeps it from happening. It's a natural survival sense, and not abnormal. You want kids to learn this, because st young ages they have no fear of cars, so they have no fear of running into streets.
With my son I used * squished like a pancake* to get the point across. It didn't make him terrified of walks, but it did make him careful and wary of cars.
Let them help by pushing the cross buttons if you have them. Talk about the cross and don't cross signs and the difference between the two.
Before crossing point out left and right on the street and how to look for cars.
I also took time to explain about not darting straight out when the walk light comes up because some people like to run their red lights. My son takes a second now to make sure each car has stopped before he steps off the curb.
If you go over all of the walking and road safety as your walking its engaging them in learning. Most little ones learn best while doing, because most children are visual, hands on learners.
Keep this up. Do the same talks about safety, cars, and traffic every single time you walk, and in no time you will have a child that has learned why not to run wild on walks. It took one month for my guy to catch on.
This is the same method I use for older kids who run wild and never learned traffic safety. The exact same method. I don't care if they are 5, they go on harness. They definitely don't like it, but it works, and I would rather have an angry on harness 5 year old, then one who just got run over. I have never had this method fail. Normally the learning curve is 2 weeks for older kids.
Nothing beats a child that knows what not to do, and it makes for wonderful family walks.
My son is 3, off harness, and sometimes reminds me what not to do while walking, its a beautiful thing.
Children and Video Games Part One
There are a million studies about the
effects of video games on the brain. Everything from how they will turn
your child into a coach potato zombie to creating ADHD.
There are entirely too many studies from too many industries claiming they are all correct. I have found studies on everything from *Eating dirt will make you smarter* to * Video games will make your kid stupid*
I have also discovered that if you want to make a study proving your point, you just have to have the money, and people who agree with your viewpoint. Needless to say you don't even really need credentials. There are no organizations that monitor studies to make sure they are true or scientific, or even based on fact.
I could take just a few hundred bucks, write up my own study and publish it online. I could claim that eating earthworms will cure diabetes. I know that sounds ridiculous, but its how it actually works.
The large portion of studies out there, even the ones with big names attached, are nothing more then some large company's opinion.
Now with that being said, I'm going to include this. If you have a child with some behavior issue, like ADHD, video games may not be the best way to go. Logically thinking video games could make the problem worse. This is just a guess on my part, as I have no experience with ADHD children.
In my home we don't rely on studies, we rely on critical thinking and common sense to figure out what's good for our kids. Its been 100% effective so far.
So here is my real life, have seen it and done it myself, EXPERIENCE letting my kids play video games in part 2.
There are entirely too many studies from too many industries claiming they are all correct. I have found studies on everything from *Eating dirt will make you smarter* to * Video games will make your kid stupid*
I have also discovered that if you want to make a study proving your point, you just have to have the money, and people who agree with your viewpoint. Needless to say you don't even really need credentials. There are no organizations that monitor studies to make sure they are true or scientific, or even based on fact.
I could take just a few hundred bucks, write up my own study and publish it online. I could claim that eating earthworms will cure diabetes. I know that sounds ridiculous, but its how it actually works.
The large portion of studies out there, even the ones with big names attached, are nothing more then some large company's opinion.
Now with that being said, I'm going to include this. If you have a child with some behavior issue, like ADHD, video games may not be the best way to go. Logically thinking video games could make the problem worse. This is just a guess on my part, as I have no experience with ADHD children.
In my home we don't rely on studies, we rely on critical thinking and common sense to figure out what's good for our kids. Its been 100% effective so far.
So here is my real life, have seen it and done it myself, EXPERIENCE letting my kids play video games in part 2.
Children and Video Games Part Two
So the first bit of advice is going to be this.
1) Make sure your child is ABLE to learn computer games. Younger then 2 will probably just end up with you needing to buy a new computer.
2) Find something that fits your child's interests instead of trying to GET them interested. I picked a silly little cartoon game called Fate for my little guy. He was already into monster slaying, swords, and grand armor, so the game fit him perfectly.
Children love to learn new things, especially if they see their parents doing it. My little man has seen me on the computer a lot. I write, read articles, and yes play video games. So he was all for it when it became his turn to give it go.
At first it was tedious. I had to sit with him the whole time, fixing computer issues caused by roaming fingers, closing programs he had accidentally opened. There were quite a few restarts needed, quite a few times.
But the benefits are astounding for someone his age.
what started out as clumsily trying to figure out what the mouse does has become proficient game usage, in a matter of 2 weeks.
He can do the in game fishing. Which requires patience and good timing as you wait for a fish to hit your line, then quickly click the mouse timing it just right to actually get one.
He can then sell those fish to town vendors. This requires map reading skills to get there. Hand eye coordination to remove fish from your pack and drop into vendors pack.
He can use the potions. All the potions are color coded. Health is red, Antidote is purple, Stamina is yellow. This has been immensely helpful with him learning colors, and quickly. My boy is a hands on learner, meaning he learns faster if he is engaged in something. Flashcards don't cut it with him.
He can equip his character with armor, all on his own. This amazes me. In order to place equipment on a character you have to match complex shapes and ideas to place them in the right slot on your character. So instead of learning just basic shapes like his peers, he is learning to identify more complex shapes and patterns.
He can run the dungeon by himself. This is not perfect yet, but he is getting dramatically better every time he plays. Running the dungeon requires really quick reflexes to avoid and bonk monsters. Map reading skills, and the ability to know left from right.
Everything he learns from just playing a simple game also translates to the rest of the computer.
At age 3 he can pull up his favorite netflix video, turn on my favorite radio station, play his game, work a mouse with adult dexterity, and recognize letters, shapes, and numbers on a keyboard. Before you know it he will be using a computer like a pro.
He now wants me to teach him to read and write so he can e-mails his daddy at work or read ME stories at bedtime, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
He spends an hour a day right before bedtime playing his game, and there have been no adverse effects.
He still loves to go outside and play.
He still loves to play with his friends.
So while the rest of his little friends are hearing *no no* to playing video games, or touching the computer, he is jumping light years past their learning level.
The skills he is learning by engaging him in a simple video game are translating to the computer, and into real life in a very energetic and powerful way. It has turned learning into a game for him, a game he is determined to win. It will not surprise me a bit when he has his own business, and employees at the age of 20.
I am and always will be a huge advocate of computer games for kids.
1) Make sure your child is ABLE to learn computer games. Younger then 2 will probably just end up with you needing to buy a new computer.
2) Find something that fits your child's interests instead of trying to GET them interested. I picked a silly little cartoon game called Fate for my little guy. He was already into monster slaying, swords, and grand armor, so the game fit him perfectly.
Children love to learn new things, especially if they see their parents doing it. My little man has seen me on the computer a lot. I write, read articles, and yes play video games. So he was all for it when it became his turn to give it go.
At first it was tedious. I had to sit with him the whole time, fixing computer issues caused by roaming fingers, closing programs he had accidentally opened. There were quite a few restarts needed, quite a few times.
But the benefits are astounding for someone his age.
what started out as clumsily trying to figure out what the mouse does has become proficient game usage, in a matter of 2 weeks.
He can do the in game fishing. Which requires patience and good timing as you wait for a fish to hit your line, then quickly click the mouse timing it just right to actually get one.
He can then sell those fish to town vendors. This requires map reading skills to get there. Hand eye coordination to remove fish from your pack and drop into vendors pack.
He can use the potions. All the potions are color coded. Health is red, Antidote is purple, Stamina is yellow. This has been immensely helpful with him learning colors, and quickly. My boy is a hands on learner, meaning he learns faster if he is engaged in something. Flashcards don't cut it with him.
He can equip his character with armor, all on his own. This amazes me. In order to place equipment on a character you have to match complex shapes and ideas to place them in the right slot on your character. So instead of learning just basic shapes like his peers, he is learning to identify more complex shapes and patterns.
He can run the dungeon by himself. This is not perfect yet, but he is getting dramatically better every time he plays. Running the dungeon requires really quick reflexes to avoid and bonk monsters. Map reading skills, and the ability to know left from right.
Everything he learns from just playing a simple game also translates to the rest of the computer.
At age 3 he can pull up his favorite netflix video, turn on my favorite radio station, play his game, work a mouse with adult dexterity, and recognize letters, shapes, and numbers on a keyboard. Before you know it he will be using a computer like a pro.
He now wants me to teach him to read and write so he can e-mails his daddy at work or read ME stories at bedtime, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
He spends an hour a day right before bedtime playing his game, and there have been no adverse effects.
He still loves to go outside and play.
He still loves to play with his friends.
So while the rest of his little friends are hearing *no no* to playing video games, or touching the computer, he is jumping light years past their learning level.
The skills he is learning by engaging him in a simple video game are translating to the computer, and into real life in a very energetic and powerful way. It has turned learning into a game for him, a game he is determined to win. It will not surprise me a bit when he has his own business, and employees at the age of 20.
I am and always will be a huge advocate of computer games for kids.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Should You Tell Your Kids About Santa Claus
Since its the holiday season starting tomorrow, and because I ran into this dilly of a headline, I'm going to delve in the santa clause thing.
Here is the headline. Google it.
*Cops at holiday parade arrest jerk who told kids Santa isn't real*
I'm not going to get into the nonsense of this article. How it utterly violates freedom of speech.
I'm not going to talk about how the headline should have said, * man arrested for being publicly drunk at kids event*.
I won't mention the cops who are apparently ready, willing, and able to lie to your children at the smallest request.
I'm not even going to go into how burned into those child memories this drunken man with his satanic hair horns now is. Or the fact that said man will be remembered by the kids as the only one who was telling the truth.
Nope.
I am however going to tell you why its a completely stupid idea to lie to your children about santa.
1) We want our children to know lying is wrong.
Yet year after year we tell our innocent little ones about some guy dressed in red suit who leaves toys for good boys and girls. So its not just that we lie to them, its a continuing, ever growing, trying hard to keep it going lie. Lets not forget those wonderful parents that use the santa lie against kids too. As in *You better be good for me or I will tell santa not to bring you anything this year*
Sound familiar?
So now you have three lies, each one trying to hold the other up.
2) Don't go along with the crowd, think independently.
There is no good reason to tell a child santa claus is real it has absolutely no life, learning, or future benefit at all.
None.
The biggest reason I hear for continuing this sham is * Everyone else does it, and we don't want little timmy to be different*
It might seem cute, and fun to do the santa thing when they are little, but they don't stay little. Eventually they will realize there is no santa. They won't be consciously aware of it, and you can't see the moment it happens. The instant santa becomes fake is the instant you, the parent, have just concreted lying and going along with the crowd as accepted and condoned behavior.
You mommy and Daddy have just silently let your children, through your actions, know that if you want to lie, its ok....
Because everyone else does it.
Another huge problem with Santa is the commercial factor. While there are historical stories showing that there might have been some guy, a long time ago, that might have given toys to kids sometime during history, (whew), the bulk of it is made up.
Completely made up by toy industries, and department stores, just like Rudolph, to entice children, and make parents buy.
Santa has been used to mask and cover up any real meaning to Christmas, as it fits so nicely into the last quarter sales quota.
We don't do the santa lie in my house. I don't want my children to lie, or go along with any crowds. I will not set them up for behavior failure before they even have a chance. I refuse to advocate anything that has no benefits to anyone but toy companies profit mongers, just because. We also do not do the tons of presents thing, we focus on family, and even more on helping others, no matter what time of year.
Christmas is no less fun in my home because of it. My son knows his mommy and daddy bought him the toys. He knows we love him, and presents are just one of the fun ways we show him. We have Christmas carols, and cookies, the tree, the big dinner and we even decorate with lights, and yes, Santa's.
But little man knows how santa got started and what santa really is, an idea, an expression of love and giving, and that is the best gift a child could ever have.
Open and honest parents.
Here is the headline. Google it.
*Cops at holiday parade arrest jerk who told kids Santa isn't real*
I'm not going to get into the nonsense of this article. How it utterly violates freedom of speech.
I'm not going to talk about how the headline should have said, * man arrested for being publicly drunk at kids event*.
I won't mention the cops who are apparently ready, willing, and able to lie to your children at the smallest request.
I'm not even going to go into how burned into those child memories this drunken man with his satanic hair horns now is. Or the fact that said man will be remembered by the kids as the only one who was telling the truth.
Nope.
I am however going to tell you why its a completely stupid idea to lie to your children about santa.
1) We want our children to know lying is wrong.
Yet year after year we tell our innocent little ones about some guy dressed in red suit who leaves toys for good boys and girls. So its not just that we lie to them, its a continuing, ever growing, trying hard to keep it going lie. Lets not forget those wonderful parents that use the santa lie against kids too. As in *You better be good for me or I will tell santa not to bring you anything this year*
Sound familiar?
So now you have three lies, each one trying to hold the other up.
2) Don't go along with the crowd, think independently.
There is no good reason to tell a child santa claus is real it has absolutely no life, learning, or future benefit at all.
None.
The biggest reason I hear for continuing this sham is * Everyone else does it, and we don't want little timmy to be different*
It might seem cute, and fun to do the santa thing when they are little, but they don't stay little. Eventually they will realize there is no santa. They won't be consciously aware of it, and you can't see the moment it happens. The instant santa becomes fake is the instant you, the parent, have just concreted lying and going along with the crowd as accepted and condoned behavior.
You mommy and Daddy have just silently let your children, through your actions, know that if you want to lie, its ok....
Because everyone else does it.
Another huge problem with Santa is the commercial factor. While there are historical stories showing that there might have been some guy, a long time ago, that might have given toys to kids sometime during history, (whew), the bulk of it is made up.
Completely made up by toy industries, and department stores, just like Rudolph, to entice children, and make parents buy.
Santa has been used to mask and cover up any real meaning to Christmas, as it fits so nicely into the last quarter sales quota.
We don't do the santa lie in my house. I don't want my children to lie, or go along with any crowds. I will not set them up for behavior failure before they even have a chance. I refuse to advocate anything that has no benefits to anyone but toy companies profit mongers, just because. We also do not do the tons of presents thing, we focus on family, and even more on helping others, no matter what time of year.
Christmas is no less fun in my home because of it. My son knows his mommy and daddy bought him the toys. He knows we love him, and presents are just one of the fun ways we show him. We have Christmas carols, and cookies, the tree, the big dinner and we even decorate with lights, and yes, Santa's.
But little man knows how santa got started and what santa really is, an idea, an expression of love and giving, and that is the best gift a child could ever have.
Open and honest parents.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Forcing Children to Share
I'm just going to come right out and say it. I don't make my kid share any of his stuff with any other kid...EVER.
Now I'm not saying he doesn't share, I just refuse to force it on him. It would just be hypocritical of me to make my little guy share, when I wouldn't normally do it myself.
I run across parents touting the benefits of making children share, in my parenting classes, all the time. I give them all this homework assignment, you do this too if you like, but I bet you wont and it proves my point perfectly.
Go home and pick something from your house, maybe your big screen TV, your computer, your car, how about your DVD player, that iPod you got for Christmas, or that perfect set of dishes you just adore. Now take whatever you have chosen, put it into your car, and drive it to a house somewhere, any house, doesn't matter where, but make sure you don't know the people who live there.
Now give your chosen item to them, not permanently, just to borrow for awhile. Go on just do it, your supposed to share right? Not sharing is just wrong isn't it?
Of course your not going to hand your stuff over to someone you don't know. Its your stuff, you worked for it, and earned it. Why on earth should you have to give it to someone else?
Because they want it?
Because they don't have one nearly as awesome as yours?
Because they don't have one at all?
And yet we do this very scenario to our children on a daily basis, and proclaim its so they can be prepared for the real world. The real world doesn't share like this, any sharing is forced upon us as adults in the form of taxes, laws and mandates, and none of us like those.
If the adult world were to share everything, as we make our children do with all of their things like snacks, toys, treats, and the such, it would essentially be the perfect form of communism. I can't remember the last time I heard someone talking up communism in a grand way.
Children as it turns out, can learn to share as they please, and make their own decisions who to share with, all on their own. No need for parental intervention, or forced sharing tactics. My son is a great example of this. Even though I have never made him share with anyone, he does anyway. He will share with children he plays with and has no problem doing. Not because I made him, but because I have taught him, compassion, understanding, and empathy towards other people.
He has learned this not only through our talks, but through my actions. I share certain things with friends, and certain other things with family. What I share depends greatly on the Who I'm sharing it with.
No one in the adult world (hopefully) will ever make us hand over our whole paychecks, and items we have bought to someone else and call it sharing.
So why is it that we force it so hard on our little ones, and say its in their best interest.
Now I'm not saying he doesn't share, I just refuse to force it on him. It would just be hypocritical of me to make my little guy share, when I wouldn't normally do it myself.
I run across parents touting the benefits of making children share, in my parenting classes, all the time. I give them all this homework assignment, you do this too if you like, but I bet you wont and it proves my point perfectly.
Go home and pick something from your house, maybe your big screen TV, your computer, your car, how about your DVD player, that iPod you got for Christmas, or that perfect set of dishes you just adore. Now take whatever you have chosen, put it into your car, and drive it to a house somewhere, any house, doesn't matter where, but make sure you don't know the people who live there.
Now give your chosen item to them, not permanently, just to borrow for awhile. Go on just do it, your supposed to share right? Not sharing is just wrong isn't it?
Of course your not going to hand your stuff over to someone you don't know. Its your stuff, you worked for it, and earned it. Why on earth should you have to give it to someone else?
Because they want it?
Because they don't have one nearly as awesome as yours?
Because they don't have one at all?
And yet we do this very scenario to our children on a daily basis, and proclaim its so they can be prepared for the real world. The real world doesn't share like this, any sharing is forced upon us as adults in the form of taxes, laws and mandates, and none of us like those.
If the adult world were to share everything, as we make our children do with all of their things like snacks, toys, treats, and the such, it would essentially be the perfect form of communism. I can't remember the last time I heard someone talking up communism in a grand way.
Children as it turns out, can learn to share as they please, and make their own decisions who to share with, all on their own. No need for parental intervention, or forced sharing tactics. My son is a great example of this. Even though I have never made him share with anyone, he does anyway. He will share with children he plays with and has no problem doing. Not because I made him, but because I have taught him, compassion, understanding, and empathy towards other people.
He has learned this not only through our talks, but through my actions. I share certain things with friends, and certain other things with family. What I share depends greatly on the Who I'm sharing it with.
No one in the adult world (hopefully) will ever make us hand over our whole paychecks, and items we have bought to someone else and call it sharing.
So why is it that we force it so hard on our little ones, and say its in their best interest.
Free Range Kids Blog, and me
I recently ran across a blog named free range kids, and had a read. As I read article after article I found myself thinking that this woman and her followers were insane.
Letting a 9 year old ride the subway?
Leaving your kids in the car unattended, while your in the store?
Dropping you kids off at the park, and your not there?
It was just too much, of all the absurd, idiotic, irresponsible things to do. I could never imagine a parent being so lazy, so unaware of where their kids are.
Fear grabbed me, intense * What if * fear that has been beaten into me since the moment I took my first breath..
So my intent was to blast this woman with missing, kidnapped, exploited, abused, terrified children stories, that from what I have been told, happen all the time.
The problem is I could barely find any.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen, you do hear stories on the news about a missing child in Florida, or California every once and awhile. So I went looking for missing children numbers through major sites, and found startling numbers of 1 to 2 million children a year go missing.
Something just seemed wrong with this picture. This would mean, if you went with the low number, that in 5 years 5 million kids are missing, and in 10 years 10 million kids are now gone.
Go with their higher numbers and it gets just downright absurd.
2 million kids a year go missing, in 5 years that's 10 million children, and in 10 years that's 20 million children.
At this point almost everyone would have to know someone, possibly even 2 someones that have a child missing. I don't know about you, but I have gone my whole 40 years and still have not met anyone with a missing child, or anyone that knew anyone with a missing child.
The REAL numbers of missing children are a whole lot lower. After doing a few days of research on this topic it finally comes out that the real number of missing children is 500 - 600 a year. Out of those numbers 90% of that 600 is a non custodial parent who has snatched them up, the other percent is kids that have run away. The average number of missing children due to a psychotic pedophile serial killer is right around 3 a year for the entire united states population of 534 million people. This comes straight from police numbers, and credible missing children numbers.Apparently all you have to do is look to find the actual stats, and they are all over the internet.
This also comes from critical thinking, and my own experience from when I was sixteen. I ran away at 16, because I had an overbearing, overprotective, in your face mother. As a teenager I was allowed to watch movies with a rating no higher then PG, could not go to the mall with my friends, and wasn't allowed to walk to school with friends, which was less then a half mile away.
Everything in my childhood was guarded, protected, not talked about, not allowed, or very prohibited.
It became too much to handle, too stifling, and at 16 I made the decision to run away. I wanted to see for myself if the world was as tragically horrible, and scary as I was constantly told. I wanted to be able TO LIVE.
So off to Virginia beach I went, with 2 school friends who felt the same way. So now we were missing, of our own accord. It was the best time of my life, I will NEVER regret doing it, and I would do it all over again if given a second chance.
And you know what? We never once ran into any serial killers, pedophiles, rapists, murderers, or satanic cults who wanted to sacrifice us. Now if there were any of those out there, anywhere in Virgina Beach, they surely would have come out to catch three 16 year old girls who obviously had no parents around, don't you think? And yet nothing happened, nothing but running into some of the most wonderful, and unforgettable people I have ever known. Here are a few of the people we ran into during our 3 month escapade in the big scary real world.
2 Canadian men who were having a last hoorah before the one got married. We met them on the beach. After talking with us, and us telling them we were on a no parent vacation, they had us pegged right away. They were worried and told us we should at least call our parents to let them know we were OK. After spending awhile trying to convince us to go home with no luck, they instead did something else. They gave us the key to their hotel room. Apparently they were leaving early, and had the room for 4 more days, and just gave it to us, under the strict promise we wouldn't charge anything to the room, and we didn't.
So 2 men, who should have scared the wits out of us, (because according to my mother people like that would kidnap us, and do horrible things to us forever, or until they killed us) turned out to be perfectly normal humans who were actually worried about us, and tried to help best way they could.
Calling the police would have done them no good, we just would have disappeared again, and they knew it, and offered the help they thought best. And it was wonderful, and perfect.
We also ran into older couples who would give us money or buy us meals, teenage boys who made us come to their house for dinner so they knew we had at least something to eat that day, and full grown men, who would offer words of wisdom with a bit of money. My all time favorite was the 40 year old guy, who offered us jobs in his little restaurant, doing dishes, and cleaning, and gave us a room to stay at in one of his on the beach motels. The only time we saw him was the four hours daily we cleaned up for him. He would make sure we ate that day, pay us in cash for our daily help, and tell us everyday to get to bed at a decent hour, and tell us to call our parents. We never went hungry, always had a warm place to sleep, and had the best time of our lives.
Smothering a child, being overprotective, and just in their face all the time is bad news. It seems to me from my own personal experience, that it would create a young adult that has no clue how to do anything for themselves in the real world. Everything I have learned about life, and I'm not kidding on this, has been learned by me, since I left home at 16. Its been a tough road, let me tell you. I had no idea how to travel on a bus, read a map, or even work a washing machine at 16. These things were all done for me. After all washers are dangerous, you can get your arm stuck in them, maps are for people who travel, and since mom took us EVERYWHERE, I never needed to learn how to read one.
Not only that, but mom always doing everything for me, made me afraid to do things on my own. I'm not talking about the slight scary feeling you get with something new, I'm talking about a head spinning, crippling fear that I wouldn't be able to do whatever it was by myself. I didn't learn to drive until I was 24, because I was scared to death to try. Cars from what mother had said are extremely dangerous, and children should never be left alone in one, much less touch anything in them.
I carry this fear with me now, even at 40. God forbid I have to drive a new part of town, or take a bus somewhere I haven't been. I get the same head spinning, sick to my stomach feeling that something bad will surely happen. I'll get lost, or take a wrong turn and have an accident. It has gotten better over the years though. If I'm with someone I'm fine, I can just look to them to get us there. If I'm alone its terrifying.
And that is sad that a 40 year old woman feels terror, all because while growing up her mother felt the need to smother and tell horror stories of a world that just doesn't exist. I don't want that for my little boy. I want him to be independent, strong, and fully capable of anything he puts his mind too.
I also realized that I am inadvertently a free range mom. As I sit here writing, something I love to do, my 3 year old boy is...wait for it....OMG.....
Playing outside by himself, in the front yard, ALONE, and while I can hear him, I CAN'T SEE HIM. (Something that never happened in my house growing up)
There's a lot of times he plays in the house in a different room then me too. Not your typical room either, nope my house is a non baby proofed house. No outlet covers, no cabinet locks, no hook and eye latches on doors to bathrooms, or laundry rooms, no baby gates, no padding on corners, or things that stick out.
So instead of ranting on about the insanity of letting your kids run free, I say Kudos, Hoorah to the mom that flies in the face of insanity and fear mongering, and finally tells the world she's had enough and refuses to smother her kids to a point of their mental breakdown.
May there never be another 40 year old human that needs to vomit because they may have gotten on the wrong bus.
You Lenore Skenazy, are an inspiration.
Letting a 9 year old ride the subway?
Leaving your kids in the car unattended, while your in the store?
Dropping you kids off at the park, and your not there?
It was just too much, of all the absurd, idiotic, irresponsible things to do. I could never imagine a parent being so lazy, so unaware of where their kids are.
Fear grabbed me, intense * What if * fear that has been beaten into me since the moment I took my first breath..
So my intent was to blast this woman with missing, kidnapped, exploited, abused, terrified children stories, that from what I have been told, happen all the time.
The problem is I could barely find any.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen, you do hear stories on the news about a missing child in Florida, or California every once and awhile. So I went looking for missing children numbers through major sites, and found startling numbers of 1 to 2 million children a year go missing.
Something just seemed wrong with this picture. This would mean, if you went with the low number, that in 5 years 5 million kids are missing, and in 10 years 10 million kids are now gone.
Go with their higher numbers and it gets just downright absurd.
2 million kids a year go missing, in 5 years that's 10 million children, and in 10 years that's 20 million children.
At this point almost everyone would have to know someone, possibly even 2 someones that have a child missing. I don't know about you, but I have gone my whole 40 years and still have not met anyone with a missing child, or anyone that knew anyone with a missing child.
The REAL numbers of missing children are a whole lot lower. After doing a few days of research on this topic it finally comes out that the real number of missing children is 500 - 600 a year. Out of those numbers 90% of that 600 is a non custodial parent who has snatched them up, the other percent is kids that have run away. The average number of missing children due to a psychotic pedophile serial killer is right around 3 a year for the entire united states population of 534 million people. This comes straight from police numbers, and credible missing children numbers.Apparently all you have to do is look to find the actual stats, and they are all over the internet.
This also comes from critical thinking, and my own experience from when I was sixteen. I ran away at 16, because I had an overbearing, overprotective, in your face mother. As a teenager I was allowed to watch movies with a rating no higher then PG, could not go to the mall with my friends, and wasn't allowed to walk to school with friends, which was less then a half mile away.
Everything in my childhood was guarded, protected, not talked about, not allowed, or very prohibited.
It became too much to handle, too stifling, and at 16 I made the decision to run away. I wanted to see for myself if the world was as tragically horrible, and scary as I was constantly told. I wanted to be able TO LIVE.
So off to Virginia beach I went, with 2 school friends who felt the same way. So now we were missing, of our own accord. It was the best time of my life, I will NEVER regret doing it, and I would do it all over again if given a second chance.
And you know what? We never once ran into any serial killers, pedophiles, rapists, murderers, or satanic cults who wanted to sacrifice us. Now if there were any of those out there, anywhere in Virgina Beach, they surely would have come out to catch three 16 year old girls who obviously had no parents around, don't you think? And yet nothing happened, nothing but running into some of the most wonderful, and unforgettable people I have ever known. Here are a few of the people we ran into during our 3 month escapade in the big scary real world.
2 Canadian men who were having a last hoorah before the one got married. We met them on the beach. After talking with us, and us telling them we were on a no parent vacation, they had us pegged right away. They were worried and told us we should at least call our parents to let them know we were OK. After spending awhile trying to convince us to go home with no luck, they instead did something else. They gave us the key to their hotel room. Apparently they were leaving early, and had the room for 4 more days, and just gave it to us, under the strict promise we wouldn't charge anything to the room, and we didn't.
So 2 men, who should have scared the wits out of us, (because according to my mother people like that would kidnap us, and do horrible things to us forever, or until they killed us) turned out to be perfectly normal humans who were actually worried about us, and tried to help best way they could.
Calling the police would have done them no good, we just would have disappeared again, and they knew it, and offered the help they thought best. And it was wonderful, and perfect.
We also ran into older couples who would give us money or buy us meals, teenage boys who made us come to their house for dinner so they knew we had at least something to eat that day, and full grown men, who would offer words of wisdom with a bit of money. My all time favorite was the 40 year old guy, who offered us jobs in his little restaurant, doing dishes, and cleaning, and gave us a room to stay at in one of his on the beach motels. The only time we saw him was the four hours daily we cleaned up for him. He would make sure we ate that day, pay us in cash for our daily help, and tell us everyday to get to bed at a decent hour, and tell us to call our parents. We never went hungry, always had a warm place to sleep, and had the best time of our lives.
Smothering a child, being overprotective, and just in their face all the time is bad news. It seems to me from my own personal experience, that it would create a young adult that has no clue how to do anything for themselves in the real world. Everything I have learned about life, and I'm not kidding on this, has been learned by me, since I left home at 16. Its been a tough road, let me tell you. I had no idea how to travel on a bus, read a map, or even work a washing machine at 16. These things were all done for me. After all washers are dangerous, you can get your arm stuck in them, maps are for people who travel, and since mom took us EVERYWHERE, I never needed to learn how to read one.
Not only that, but mom always doing everything for me, made me afraid to do things on my own. I'm not talking about the slight scary feeling you get with something new, I'm talking about a head spinning, crippling fear that I wouldn't be able to do whatever it was by myself. I didn't learn to drive until I was 24, because I was scared to death to try. Cars from what mother had said are extremely dangerous, and children should never be left alone in one, much less touch anything in them.
I carry this fear with me now, even at 40. God forbid I have to drive a new part of town, or take a bus somewhere I haven't been. I get the same head spinning, sick to my stomach feeling that something bad will surely happen. I'll get lost, or take a wrong turn and have an accident. It has gotten better over the years though. If I'm with someone I'm fine, I can just look to them to get us there. If I'm alone its terrifying.
And that is sad that a 40 year old woman feels terror, all because while growing up her mother felt the need to smother and tell horror stories of a world that just doesn't exist. I don't want that for my little boy. I want him to be independent, strong, and fully capable of anything he puts his mind too.
I also realized that I am inadvertently a free range mom. As I sit here writing, something I love to do, my 3 year old boy is...wait for it....OMG.....
Playing outside by himself, in the front yard, ALONE, and while I can hear him, I CAN'T SEE HIM. (Something that never happened in my house growing up)
There's a lot of times he plays in the house in a different room then me too. Not your typical room either, nope my house is a non baby proofed house. No outlet covers, no cabinet locks, no hook and eye latches on doors to bathrooms, or laundry rooms, no baby gates, no padding on corners, or things that stick out.
So instead of ranting on about the insanity of letting your kids run free, I say Kudos, Hoorah to the mom that flies in the face of insanity and fear mongering, and finally tells the world she's had enough and refuses to smother her kids to a point of their mental breakdown.
May there never be another 40 year old human that needs to vomit because they may have gotten on the wrong bus.
You Lenore Skenazy, are an inspiration.
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Screaming Neighbor A Parenting NO-NO
My first post is going to highlight a *what not to do* when your little one is just off the hook terribly behaved. I'm going to use my neighbor as a perfect example of really bad parenting style
My neighbors house is right across the very small street we live on, so I see this horror without even trying.
Some of the worst parenting I have EVER seen, and here it goes.
Yesterday my son and I were out in our front yard building sand castles, and we saw the little boy across the street go out of his yard, and down the street. Not a problem in my eyes if your 12, but this child is 3.
His mother just a few seconds later, comes flying out of the house screaming at him.
*Get your fu**ing as* back in the yard now!*
* Get back here or I'm going to bust your butt*
Along with all of that was a string of obscenities directed right at him, and it didn't end until she had chased him down, and dragged him back into the yard kicking and screaming, and yes cursing at his mother, the same as she had cursed at him.
The problem here is not the child, the problem is the parent, the lack of mutual respect, and absolutely no communication.
The above is not raising a child, this is having a child in your house. There is a huge difference.
Now you probably have never had a situation this bad, but in case you have a child that screams no, or has a bit of a listening issue, here is the fix.
Let's say your child is little and does run out of the yard the second your not looking. DO NOT yell and scream at all, this breaks down trust on the child's part, and will guarantee that your little ones ears shut off and pretend not to hear you.
Instead the moment you have them by the hand, tell them how scared they made you, be honest, express to them how it made you feel seeing them run off. Children learn from that, not only that it makes you sad or scared, but it teaches them important lessons on feelings, and thinking of others.
Once your back inside sit down with your child and have an honest talk about why its not OK to run off without mommy or daddy.
Explain to them about the dangers of cars.
Explain about getting lost, and not being able to find home.
Tell them how it makes you sad, and scared when you don't know where they are, and mention how much you love them.
Ask them why they ran down the street.
If communicated in a calm manner, none of the above will scare a child, even at 3. I know this because my own 3 year old has been communicated with like this from the start. He will now, in matter of fact way, explain to his friends why he isn't going to leave the yard, and why they shouldn't.
Communication is a huge factor in parenting. Children are not property, they are not unthinking non humans. I have met so many parents that have never thought of just talking to their kids in a normal everyday manner, its confounds me.
Instead they stick with the old *Because I said so* or *That's just how it works* or my favorite * You don't need to know why, just do it*
Children understand a lot more then we give them credit for.
They crave their parents time and explanations, they really do want to hear you explain everything to them. It fascinates them, teaches them, and opens doors to communicating with you the same way.
My little boy will be 3 in a few weeks, and I can have a conversation with him.
He will tell me if I have made him sad or mad or happy, and why. He asks if something is a good idea, BEFORE he does it, because he KNOWS he will get an honest, real answer from me.
It's not difficult, its not hard to learn, it should be the most natural thing in the world. Our society has gotten to a point though, where we treat children like beings who just simply wouldn't understand most topics in the world. This just isn't true.
Your child is a human being who wants to know *why*. You are an educator (parent) who is supposed to explain why. Make sure they have the same ability to talk to you, if your child wants to tell you how mad you made them, let them. Expressing your feelings is healthy in a communicative relationship. It not only opens the doors so you and your little one can get to know each other, it gives them a healthy outlet to express themselves in a more mature way without screaming, and without tantrums.
There isn't a child on this planet that WANTS to have a tantrum, it is the last resort of little ones who feel they aren't being listened to, and have not been taught the normal way to express themselves.
This works for everything. Talk about daily events, talk about TV shows, talk about why this does that, and why that does this, how things work, and why.
Open the doors of honest communication with your child, and you will see an almost immediate change in maturity, and behavior.
My neighbors house is right across the very small street we live on, so I see this horror without even trying.
Some of the worst parenting I have EVER seen, and here it goes.
Yesterday my son and I were out in our front yard building sand castles, and we saw the little boy across the street go out of his yard, and down the street. Not a problem in my eyes if your 12, but this child is 3.
His mother just a few seconds later, comes flying out of the house screaming at him.
*Get your fu**ing as* back in the yard now!*
* Get back here or I'm going to bust your butt*
Along with all of that was a string of obscenities directed right at him, and it didn't end until she had chased him down, and dragged him back into the yard kicking and screaming, and yes cursing at his mother, the same as she had cursed at him.
The problem here is not the child, the problem is the parent, the lack of mutual respect, and absolutely no communication.
The above is not raising a child, this is having a child in your house. There is a huge difference.
Now you probably have never had a situation this bad, but in case you have a child that screams no, or has a bit of a listening issue, here is the fix.
Let's say your child is little and does run out of the yard the second your not looking. DO NOT yell and scream at all, this breaks down trust on the child's part, and will guarantee that your little ones ears shut off and pretend not to hear you.
Instead the moment you have them by the hand, tell them how scared they made you, be honest, express to them how it made you feel seeing them run off. Children learn from that, not only that it makes you sad or scared, but it teaches them important lessons on feelings, and thinking of others.
Once your back inside sit down with your child and have an honest talk about why its not OK to run off without mommy or daddy.
Explain to them about the dangers of cars.
Explain about getting lost, and not being able to find home.
Tell them how it makes you sad, and scared when you don't know where they are, and mention how much you love them.
Ask them why they ran down the street.
If communicated in a calm manner, none of the above will scare a child, even at 3. I know this because my own 3 year old has been communicated with like this from the start. He will now, in matter of fact way, explain to his friends why he isn't going to leave the yard, and why they shouldn't.
Communication is a huge factor in parenting. Children are not property, they are not unthinking non humans. I have met so many parents that have never thought of just talking to their kids in a normal everyday manner, its confounds me.
Instead they stick with the old *Because I said so* or *That's just how it works* or my favorite * You don't need to know why, just do it*
Children understand a lot more then we give them credit for.
They crave their parents time and explanations, they really do want to hear you explain everything to them. It fascinates them, teaches them, and opens doors to communicating with you the same way.
My little boy will be 3 in a few weeks, and I can have a conversation with him.
He will tell me if I have made him sad or mad or happy, and why. He asks if something is a good idea, BEFORE he does it, because he KNOWS he will get an honest, real answer from me.
It's not difficult, its not hard to learn, it should be the most natural thing in the world. Our society has gotten to a point though, where we treat children like beings who just simply wouldn't understand most topics in the world. This just isn't true.
Your child is a human being who wants to know *why*. You are an educator (parent) who is supposed to explain why. Make sure they have the same ability to talk to you, if your child wants to tell you how mad you made them, let them. Expressing your feelings is healthy in a communicative relationship. It not only opens the doors so you and your little one can get to know each other, it gives them a healthy outlet to express themselves in a more mature way without screaming, and without tantrums.
There isn't a child on this planet that WANTS to have a tantrum, it is the last resort of little ones who feel they aren't being listened to, and have not been taught the normal way to express themselves.
This works for everything. Talk about daily events, talk about TV shows, talk about why this does that, and why that does this, how things work, and why.
Open the doors of honest communication with your child, and you will see an almost immediate change in maturity, and behavior.
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